We're going to be tested many times over the next few months and I think we've grown so much as a family this last year, that we'll be able to rise to challenges that may be thrown our way. This has not been easy and I don't see the path to an easier road in front of us for quite a while. As devastating as it is to see him go through this, he is the one that is suffering, all while remaining stronger than I could ever dream.
His attitude this week towards all that's coming up has been incredible. It's as if it's no big deal. He knows that he will not be able to have a birthday party, he knows that he'll be stuck in the hospital for months and that for much of that he will remain confined to a bed, sick and weak, but yet he doesn't complain. He rarely complains. Don't get me wrong, he has his moments where he complains about us, but considering we have all spent literally 24 hours a day together for the last 8 months, we've done pretty well. I'm so very proud of that. So proud of my family.
Tomorrow Keian begins day 1 of his cranial radiation. It is a very important day. Not only is it one of the most stressful that we have faced in a while, but it marks the beginning of the remaining treatment prior to his transplant and hopefully, in time, a permanent cure.
Today, we got some pictures taken of the boys. In a few short days, they will have a bond that will never be broken. It was important to make sure he had something that he would be able to look at and remind him of how much it means to be a big brother and how much Joren is really doing for him. If it wasn't for Joren, Keian wouldn't have the best possible chance at a cure. I think the thought of this has actually strengthened the bond I have had with Joren. He loves and admires his brother so much - the significance of being a true brother.
That being said, I am utterly terrified. Aside from Keian's diagnosis in July, I have never been so scared in my entire life, honestly. Tonight, every time I look at him, I can't help but wonder if he will ever be the same Keian I'm looking at. No one ever knows, but I think it's the unknown that makes it worse. On the other hand, if I knew exactly what was going to happen, I don't know if I could even make it from day to day. I know that this treatment is what he needs, but I can't help but have the feeling that tomorrow is it - there is no turning back. It's like taking that initial step off the cliff. We just have to hang on tight and be ready to land with both feet.
In the meantime, I truly do need help to keep myself afloat. How I need to ask for that help I don't know, especially because I don't even know what to ask for. It's so hard when people say; "I'm here if you need me", because even though I need it, I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel like that same lost, broken woman months ago that didn't know which way was up or down. I do know that I am stronger than I could have ever conceived - Keian taught me that. He's taught us all.
I promise to face tomorrow with confidence, with strength and most of all, hope. I promise to tell you I love you, as many times as humanly possible. I promise to hold your hand when you're scared and hold you close when you need stability. I promise to be the Mommy that you need and I promise to always take care of you. I can't promise that I can take this all away from you, but I can promise that I will not stop fighting.
"I love you for always"